When It Falls Apart in Week 3
I was talking to 'Lisa' last week. She was expressing her utter frustration at dating. She was tired of the junk pics, tired of the guys only wanting one thing. When I asked for specifics, Lisa gave this example that she felt epitomized her plight:
I was chatting with this guy, and he was really nice. He said a lot of the right things and that he was looking for a relationship. Wasn’t looking to be a party animal. He wanted to meet someone who would be fun to stay in and chill with – maybe watch movies or cook at home. But he added he didn't mind going to a bar from time to time to get a drink. IDK, I liked his balance and he seemed sincere.
Around week two... he suggested we meet. I agreed. Due to scheduling conflicts or life issues (he and I have kid’s schedules to work around), we had a hard time matching up on schedules. But it was OK. We still were having good text conversation and were still clicking.
The middle of week 3 fell on a Friday night. I texted him about 8:00, after I got back from hanging out at a friend's place with my kids. I said 'hi.' His response was, 'So when do I get to come over?' I was kind of shocked, but I didn’t lash out. I knew immediately what he was insinuating though. I told him that I never meet someone for the first time at my house and that on top of that I prefer to get to know someone first before I consider being intimate with anyone. He just kept trying to get me to invite him to come over, so we could 'cuddle.'
This was totally disheartening. We had been getting along so well; he seemed different from the other guys. For the first few weeks, there were no “red flags” -- no stupid pics, no crude jokes, no sex talk, then boom! Out of nowhere, his true intentions came out. We had been doing fine for 3 weeks. I'm ready to quit dating for good.
Lisa is not alone; her frustrations are shared by many. It is an unfortunate (but common) part of modern dating.
In some ways, dating apps are the best thing to happen for finding love and connection. They provide a wide array of options, all while allowing you to narrow down those options by various criteria. They can create efficiency and a sense of “abundance” in the dating pool. But, like love in real life, they are not fool proof! They are riddled with many potholes.
I explained to Lisa that simply framing her intentions could help minimize some of what she was experiencing. After our initial consultation, I gave her some examples of how to properly frame her intentions, all while keeping things light, warm, friendly and moving forward. In addition, we worked on implementing strategies that were used ongoing (weeks 2, 3, etc.) to help keep situations like the above from happening again.
Ladies, if you've been in Lisa's shoes, reach out to me; I can help. Our newly-launched 3-week No Junk, No Joke program will put an end to this maddening cycle. And since early January sees a huge spike in the number of singles dating online, the time is right.
Gentlemen, if you know anyone that acts like the guy in the story above, do us all (including yourselves) a favor... and tell him to stop! Just stop. Guys like the one mentioned earlier only cast a negative light on quality guys like you.
At the end of the day, we all want the same thing... a meaningful connection --physically, emotionally, mentally, and (when the time is right) sexually. Most online daters want to be valued beyond how we look in an online picture. Most online daters want to be valued for longer than a one-night encounter. We should all -- men and women – remember this and act accordingly.
About Suzanna Mathews
Suzanna is one of North America's leading trainers in interpersonal communication and social strategy — for cultivating business, friendship, or romance. A published writer and frequent radio, TV, and podcast guest, she is best known for founding The Date Maven, LLC, a boutique date coaching and matchmaking consultancy serving professional singles across the country. Businesses also seek out Suzanna to serve as a spokesperson and micro-influencer.
You can learn more about her at www.suzannamathews.com