Love Nuggets Part 1: What I've Learned About Love & Relationships
The following is an excerpt from my TEDx Talk at Friends University on October 7, 2018.
For the past few decades, I’ve been obsessed with the art and science of love, social connection, and human attraction. I started meddling in people’s love lives in the early ‘90’s and ever since college, I have been nose-deep into the study of interpersonal communication, social constructs of gender, and human sexuality. I’m forever interested in courtship rituals, what motivates our behavior, and how body language reveals our psychological truths.
My psychological truth is: I love looking at love – the human experience of love—through a kaleidoscope of different lenses and frameworks. For example: What does evolutionary anthropology and biology have to tell us about love and pair bonding? What does social psychology, personal psychology, and even market economics tell us about dating and mating?
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Since 2011 I’ve been working with single men and women across the U.S. as a Dating Coach and Social Coach. I can tell you that as I’ve grown older and more experienced at processing my lessons, my own capacity to love has grown deeper.
And today I’m going to share some philosophies and platitudes I’ve curated on love and relationship. Over the next few weeks we'll explore 5 of the nuggets of knowledge (we’ll call them “Love Nuggets”) I’ve learned that have made the biggest difference in MY life:
1. Stop looking for love and do love. Be the love.
Why? Because we tend to get what we give. Sometimes this is hard because the motivation is missing! Our partner isn’t saying or doing the things that inspire us to want to be the best we can be for them. Who cares. Be the bigger person; go first. BE what you want your boyfriend or girlfriend to be; behave as you want your husband or wife to behave.
We attract according to our own vibration.
I heard once that love is the choice to do loving actions for someone after you’re no longer obsessed with them. This is certainly a more mature perspective of love – one that takes ownership of the experience. Too often, we lump “love” into the category of emotion – then we wonder why that emotion doesn’t sustain us. Just because you FEEL one way doesn’t mean your actions have to be in alignment with that. Instead, you can align your actions with your values and goals – what you want -- rather than your feelings and impulses.
Even if this attitude and this practice doesn’t “work out” in the relationship you’re in, I guarantee it will make you a generally better person to be around for absolutely everyone else in your life, full stop
About Suzanna Mathews
Suzanna is one of North America's leading trainers in interpersonal communication and social strategy — for cultivating business, friendship, or romance. A published writer and frequent radio, TV, and podcast guest, she is best known for founding The Date Maven, LLC, a boutique date coaching and matchmaking consultancy serving professional singles across the country. Businesses also seek out Suzanna to serve as a spokesperson and micro-influencer.
You can learn more about her at www.suzannamathews.com